When people are unhappy with another, I guess it is natural to attack the individual with unkind words that should not be shared even in the very liberal cyberspace. I don't fault human nature on criticising and acting out in displeasure. Though, of course, sometimes certain things are better kept to ourselves. And though, of course again, that there are better ways to express displeasure in another.

However, I think it is just evil to curse other people's family, to use other people's loved ones as tools to make the individual feel horrible. It takes a calculative and scheming mind to think out of focus of the individual and come up with other ways to put down someone. Isn't that something only scheming villians would do? It's pure evil, pure work of the devil to stoop to such a low level in order to make your stand known that you detest someone. 

所以我對於寶貝的家人被攻擊真的覺得很不爽. 希望那些邪惡的小人早點被神拯救，因為做壞事會有報應的.

I don't understand the choices that people have made recently, which makes me motivated to do a reflection on my favourite hot topic, though my stand on it has deviated quite a bit.

Man needs love, I gotta admit that. I need love. There is a constant empty void in people that yearns for a perfect someone to come in. There is no doubt that love is a beautiful thing. But we also know that love is a complicated thing that does not involve just the individual alone. To partake in this feast of love is to share it and experience it with someone else. My focus on love today, though, is not familial love or love for a friend, which somehow is easier to accept with all its trials and tribulations, but on the love that we all know involves two people.

Therefore, it always gets to me when someone runs into love and decides to just pick it up and enjoy its moment. However, once the luxury of it wears off, regret sets in and excuses come into play. I do call things like "I can't focus" or "It's just me" as excuses, I don't think everyone agrees with me on this. In any case, if love fails, both parties have played a part. I cannot stand it when people push the blame and push responsibility for it. Why can't you just say "Sorry, I've failed. I can't handle love." instead of "It's a distraction, it's making me lose focus." How do you lose focus? Through your own mind.

Because if you want to love, you should dare to face it all the way. 

It's easy to blame many failures on love. But I think we should leave those faults and blamings behind in adolescent days, where relationships were never the motivator to excel but a distraction for enjoyment. I don't think we are 15 year-olds anymore.

If you are like me; If you don't dare to love because you think you're going to face many difficulties and challenges, then don't love. If you're going to question everything every step of the way, if you're going to blame any setbacks on love, then I don't think you are suitable to take on the challenge of love. I know I don't dare and I'm not suited and I'm not ready, because I do not have the strength of mind to want to go through it all again, so I'm perfectly happy and satisfied with love in other forms. Afterall, love is love and love can be experienced anywhere.

However, if you want to love, you have to dare to love. You have to be brave to overcome all the obstacles that are going to come your way. You've gotta stop finding excuses to escape when you regret it, and you've gotta accept everything that love brings together with it.

Perhaps my thinking is to idealistic, too black and white: Love, don't love. But sometimes, I think such decisions are important for dramatic people. Don't mind my rant, but please mind correcting me, because I really think people are so complicated sometimes I just wanna slap them awake with a wooden plank. Then again, having complication in people's lives is just something human right.

Rant over. 

不敢愛，就學學我，不要追求愛. 要愛，就勇敢去愛，不要連累別人.

Tomorrow, I turn a year wiser and, as much as I would like to avoid it, I also turn a year older. And as I look back and reflect on all the birthdays I've had before, the change in mindset and the change in lifestyle really makes me wonder what I was thinking all those years back:

It used to be of who would be the first to give me my birthday present, of who to invite to my birthday party (and who NOT to), and to always have something exciting and happening going on. The need to feel like people notice and people care would show in the form of material gifts and physical presence. Perhaps I was the example of the material girl..

Or perhaps I was afraid that people would forget me. I did not want to feel lonely.

But is this what the perfect birthday gift is supposed to be? 

After dad passed away, I felt a dramatic change in how I perceived celebrations. My 21st birthday was held as it was simply because it was a 21st, and I felt the pressure to live up to what people would expect from me for my birthday. After that, I didn't want to celebrate any more birthdays. 

I felt undeserving, and that I should punish myself for how things had gone before he had left. I felt birthdays and celebrations were not for me, because someone like me did not deserve to indulge in the extravagance of parties. Last year, I was upset when friends insisted on celebrating my birthday, because I felt guilty immediately after celebrating. I had felt that people did not understand me nor believed me when I said I wanted no celebrations.

I guess, the material girl in me had vanished, and was replaced with guilt.

But, as I slowly step out of this experience, I realised that I've felt more blessings and more love than I've ever received in previous years. It seemed that, the more I pushed away the idea that I wanted nothing for my birthday, the more I received from the people around me. And I realised the greatest gift that God has given me for my 23rd birthday:

Friendship. 

I have never been lonely. He had given me the gift of friendship right from when I was born: Mom. He had given me the gift of friendship when I was a baby: Berns. He had given me the gift of friendship when I was a toddler: Steph, Kai, Tanya. He had given me the gift of friendship in my childhood years: Abby, Missy. He had given me the gift of friendship when I was a teen: Bradies, Jil, Daph, 4/6, Church. He had given me the gift of friendship when I was in Ngee Ann: Wenting, Lav, Jorge, Li Yan, Carrie, IBP team, Lecturers. He even gave me the gift of friendship when I was working in Breeks. He had given me the gift of friendship coming into uni, and had given me the gift of friendship in SFC. He also gave me a best friend.

With all these perfect birthday gifts, I really don't expect anything anymore. This year, all I wish for are well-wishes: True, heartfelt and sincere well-wishes.

Because I already have all my perfect birthday gfts.

Call me 女強人，but I sometimes think I have become too strong for my own good.
Bet this strength comes from staying away from that word.

But hey, why not. It works like a gem.

我很堅持我的決定. 我很會也很樂意展示這樣的我.

Dear sweet, precious you,

Was just thinking the other day of asking you out for coffee. How long has it been? Three years? We ended so abruptly I had no time to figure out what went wrong. But, never have you once forgotten me on a special occasion. Do you know whose well wishes I look forward to the most every year?

No words could describe how delighted I was when you seemed to return recently. The excitement, the butterflies, all came flooding back to me like how I used to felt when you were near.

But, had you really returned?

Perhaps it's just me to always feel so conscious. To always think there is someone else out there better for you. Have you found her? I didn't dare to think. But, I did anyway, and somehow I think you did.

If you have, I believe it's something significant to you. If you have, then I think I should leave things status quo. 

Maybe this is just how important you are to me. That I would not want to risk losing you even as a friend. That I would give up thinking about trying because the thought of you running away again breaks my heart. I smile to myself as I type this, because you are the only one who has ever made me feel this way. That friendship is enough for me because, as much as more will make me happier, less would simply kill me.

So, I wish you everything beautiful in life. That, if you should choose to one day come back for good, and if I have the capacity to, I'd welcome you back with open arms and with the happiest smile on my face. But, if you have found your own happiness that I cannot give, I will truly be happy for you from the bottom of my heart.

Love,
The me who once gave you my heart.

I know all the 24s and above are going to murder me in their sleep but..

HOLY SHIT I'm 23 THIS YEAR. 

8 years back, I would have wasted no time in being mean,
And saying the nastiest things.

But now,

When I have nothing nice to say,
I won't say anything.

This is my last form of respect.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother controlling the ugly side of myself when the elders I face in this world display all ugliness for me to put up with.

"Does this warrant respect?" I always ask myself.

Does this mean that, just because I respect and listen to them, they can do what they deem fit and say what they feel like saying?

I really do not think so.

I think I have done enough for this community for you to treat me with more respect than this. Bringing someone else into the picture does not give you more status and authority to ride over my head. If you must make a comparison, I think I have more authority than you do, "young lady". But I do not like to think of myself this way, because this was thrust upon me.

I comply because it's charity and love, not because I'm afraid of the consequences of not giving in to you.

I can watch him EVERYDAY!



Best good morning in the world!